Sunday, February 6, 2011

Paralyzed No More

For me, the month of January can be characterized by two basic emotions - elation and fear. When we finally arrived at the decision to adopt from Estonia, my heart was filled to the brim with inexpressible joy. I floated around on my little cloud of serendipity for a few days until the bottom scraped the rock of reality. As I started calculating expenses and comparing those figures to the ones in our bank account, my happy feelings evaporated and I dropped with a thud into the valley of despair.

For the rest of the month I wallowed around in doubt. The word "can't" loomed above my head like a dark and menacing threat. Several times I picked up the phone to begin our home study, only to put it down again with a shake of my head. Ugly, black thoughts swirled through my head. CAN'T became my mantra. We CAN'T afford it. We CAN'T see it through. We CAN'T. We CAN'T. WE CAN'T!

Slowly, as my eyes shifted their focus off of the power of Christ and onto our own pitiful situation, paralysis set in. I never made the call to begin our home study. I quit reading the adoption paperwork about Estonia. I quit talking about it with my friends and family. I quit.

Thankfully, God didn't.

Throughout this month I have been literally bombarded with stories of faith from other adoptive blogs that I read. For worship one evening (our family gathers every evening for song, scripture or spiritual reading, and prayer together before bedtime), my husband read from the book In Heavenly Places. Like a bolt of lightening these words jumped out at me, "God will more than fulfill the highest expectations of those who put their trust in Him." Our sermon in church yesterday spoke of the power of Christ to work miracles in us and through us. And then last night Small Cloud Christian School (the school I started with a friend) celebrated it's fifteenth anniversary.

Story after story, miracle after miracle, blessing after blessing was shared. Fifteen years worth of examples were lifted up in thanksgiving to the God who has carried us through. Suddenly the sunlight broke through and I stepped out of the muck I had been wading through onto the solid ground of FAITH. And back into the loving arms of my Heavenly Father.

I CAN'T, but God CAN!